|
[102908 - 6:36am] |
So for those of you that haven't figured it out already Halloween is on Friday. Everyone is welcome at my place since I happen to be throwing a costume party. Anyone can come if you're in or gonna be in Chicago, theres plenty of room. If you drink you can crash there, if not then you're obviously free to do whatever you want. Its a Friday, I expect you all to have fucking fun. My friends tell your friends, and have them tell their friends...all that jazz. The more the merrier.
Hayden, Nate, Daniel, Barbie...you're all in Chicago. No excuses to not be there.
|
|
|
|
[101608 - 11:01pm] |
I seriously need a new car. And to get rid of the piano out of my garage.
Anyone interested in coming over and helping me get rid of it? I'm thinking of demolishing it, could be fun. Big heavy mallets, getting out aggression, just sheer destruction. Could be fun yes?
|
|
|
|
[91808 - 3:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 restless |
] |
I"m going on vacation. Come with or stay home. Don't care too much. Your choice. Just know I'm going to wherever the first flight will take me, from the look of things that's London.
|
|
|
|
[9408 - 2:04am] |
Just a warning -- Fuck school.
The end.
|
|
|
|
[82908 - 2:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
[[ooc: this is all completely unblocked because shes not thinking enough to do so]
It's official. He wants a divorce. I don't know what I did or didn't do to get him to want absolutely nothing to do with me. He's giving me a third of his money, the house, and alimony on the condition that I don't try contacting him. What did I do that warrants something so huge? Am I a horrible person? Maybe I'm just disgusting to him or he suddenly saw me for the abused piece of trailer trash girl that I really am.
In all reality it was probably me keeping getting into Berklee a secret for so long that drove him away. The reason I kept it from him was to keep this from happening! I didn't want to fight over me going or not going, I didn't want to pick up and move from the place we called home...that isn't even MY home anymore! I didn't want to worry about leaving all my friends behind or Hayden thinking I was abandoning her! All I wanted was for things to stay the way they were, for once in my life things had been going right and I felt like I was in a place I could live with. Now? Now I wake up in the morning and just want to go back to sleep, I can't even sleep in my own bedroom but instead find myself out on the lawn chair most nights. Worst of it is the dogs, each time I look at them I'm reminded of Xavier and when he got them for me.
I need to wake up but can't. I'm just stuck in this damn life with nowhere to go.
|
|
|
|
[82108 - 1:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
Everyone's busy today aren't they?
|
|
|
|
[8708 - 8:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
not wanting to be |
] |
He's gone.
Anyone want a pink baby grand piano or a pink convertible. Its yours for free. Theres also a pink guitar. I won't be needing them anymore.
|
|
|
|
[72108 - 3:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
So apparently I'm going to be taking community college classes while working....
Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
[Private; Readable by Barbie because for some reason Robbie decided to tell her about some of it]
The subject of college finally came up and I completely froze. It wasn't even in person but over these stupid journals so I couldn't even distract Xavier with anything. He just asked what I was doing in fall, I told him getting a job, and he told me no, that I was going to college because it'd get me a better job in the end. All I could say was that I'd prefer a job when he asked which college I was going too. Why can't I just tell him that I got into an amazing college? Oh right, because it would mean uprooting everything entirely, leaving people that I love behind and possibly ruining connections I might have had before leaving. It's already bad enough that everyone else is going off to college, I...I don't like it. I hate change, absolutely hate it. The only time I can handle it is when I thoroughly plan it before time, or am completely in the heat of the moment. This limbo phase of knowing but not knowing change? makes me want to stab babies or some other insane shit.
Ugh. I just don't know what to do because I can't handle being married, taking care of a house, being strong for my sister, going to community college, and working at the same time. Something has got to go and it won't be one of the first three.
|
|
|
|
[62708 - 10:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
[Private]
They're going to be upset that I didn't tell them. I know they are. How can they not get upset that I just never mentioned getting into the college I'd been dreaming about since the 7th grade when they came to our school to talk to us? I just can't do it. Hayden is already feeling abandoned by Ollie with his going off to Boston, leaving her behind for college and his best friend. What would happen if I just up and went there too? I can't do that too her. Not after my father is the cause of a lot of her issues. It wouldn't be fair.
Then there's Xavier. I know that he would pick up and move for me the second I asked him to, but we just bought this house, just started to get settled into it and made it feel like home. It's the first place, minus his old apartment, that has even been close to home. Sure, home is where the heart is, but I don't want to leave this place. There won't ever be a house as perfect for us as this one. Not to mention he just started to really get a couple friends besides me. Moving would only put him right back in the spot that he was in when he met me. No friends around, no real family, just me. I'm worried that if he doesn't start gaining a life outside of his work and me I'm going to lose him. He's going to resent me and how I'm the only person there for him. I've known people to push things away even when its the only thing they have. I've done it.
I'm not easily scared, in fact I rarely ever get scared of something. The only thing, well person, I've ever been this scared of was my father. But right now I'm scared for myself. Everyone I know is moving away, leaving me behind for colleges or tours and just better lives. What am I suppose to do when all my friends forget about me and forge new relationships? I don't think I can handle losing the people that have, unknowingly to them, been my rock for all these years. This summer is it for a lot of us before we break apart and I think I'm the only one thats realizing this. Our world and everything we know about it are changing massively and no ones batting an eyelash. Sometimes I wish we could have just not graduated and stayed in that last year.
[End Private]
So actually getting to honeymoon is amazing. I'm planning on getting X to have us in California when you're done with your parents Daniel, so let me know the days and all that junk alright?
[Private to Daniel]
So...do we want to invite other people along now or keep them waiting?
[End Private]
Who wants me to send them something from Paris? Anyone? Anything at all! Minus like, the Eiffel Tower kthanx.
|
|
|